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“I don’t mind who I kick,” said Harriet, “as long as it feels true to character. You see, as I see it Harriet is kind and loyal, but also fierce and independent. She’s generous but also assertive. She’s sweet but also tough.” She shrugged. “That’s just the way I see her. Oh, and if I can add one minor thing, Gran, I think we should hire a second script girl, to make sure we stay consistent. Obviously Scarlett is dropping the ball. Like now with Dooley’s remark about the spider always being squashed and Odie being kicked. It’s important for the continuity that we don’t make those mistakes.” She directed a cold look at Scarlett, and it was clear she wasn’t entirely satisfied with the work of her script girl at this point.

“Okay, Max, you’re out,” said Gran. “Dooley, you’re in.”

“Oh, great,” I murmured as I stepped down from the stage and Dooley took my place.

“So what do I do?” asked Dooley.

“Nothing,” said Harriet. “You just stand there while I take care of the acting. You have to understand that you’re simply the backdrop, Dooley, like that rose bush over there.”

“Oh, all right,” said Dooley, who seemed to enjoy this photoshoot very much. To him it was just a game, even though to Harriet it was her big break into superstardom.

“Okay, roll camera!” said Gran, and held up her phone. “Okay, Harriet, you look on with interest, while Brutus gives Dooley a nasty look.”

“I can do nasty,” said Brutus, and gave Dooley just about the nastiest look I’ve ever seen him give anyone.

“And what about me?” asked Dooley, hoping for some instructions.

“You just look like you always look, Dooley,” said Gran.

“She means dumb,” Brutus said, his nasty look now amplified by a nasty grin.

“Oh, all right,” said Dooley, and just stood there, looking his usual goofy self.

“Okay, second panel!” Gran cried.

“Gran?” Harriet asked now. “I should probably project doubt, don’t you think?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Well, on the one hand, I love Brutus very much, of course, but on the other hand, here’s a suitor, who’s vying for my affections, and it’s only natural that I would show an interest. After all, it’s simple biology for any female to show an interest when she’s being wooed by a suitor, even if he’s absolutely undesirable, like Dooley obviously is.”

“Let’s not make this too complicated,” Gran suggested. “Just look over to where Brutus and Dooley are sitting, and maybe give us a pout.”

“A pout?” asked Harriet.

“Yeah, give us a pout.”

Harriet thought about this for a moment.“I’m not sure I see Harriet pouting,” she said.

“You’re Harriet, Harriet,” said Gran, getting a little worked up. “So whatever Harriet does, you do.”

“No, but Harriet the Cat isn’t me, you see. I’m just an actress playing a part, and as an actress, I’m telling you that I’m not feeling that pout.”

“Okay, so don’t pout.”

“Well, maybe a little duck face,” said Harriet, and puckered up her lips.

“Sure, fine,” said Gran, who clearly was a director who held a dim view of diva actors. “Ready? Action!”

Dooley continued to look his natural self, Brutus’s scowl had deepened and he now looked nastier than ever, and Harriet was pouting like she’d never pouted before, really hamming it up for the camera. All in all it looked pretty ridiculous if you ask me. But of course nobody asked me, so I didn’t say anything. I was just glad I wasn’t up there, looking like an idiot and being scowled at or pouted at.

“Okay, now for panel three,” said Gran. “Harriet, you kick Dooley as hard as you can.”

“Okay, Gran,” said Harriet.

Brutus now cleared his throat.“Gran, can I make a suggestion?”

“What?!” said Gran, projecting sheer exasperation.

“I really don’t see Harriet’s character kicking Dooley. I think Harriet would leave the kicking to me. I’m the kicker, and she’s the pouter, and after I’ve kicked Dooley, we embrace and… curtain.” He looked at Gran expectantly, but the latter didn’t seem to agree with her actor’s suggestions.

“Just act out the scene the way we decided, Brutus, there’s a good boy,” she said, in a slightly paternalizing way that didn’t seem to go over very well with Brutus.

“Okay, so how about Harriet gives Dooley a light kick. Just a hint of a kick, and then I take over and show her how it’s done?” Brutus suggested.

“What’s going on?” asked Scarlett. “Why did you stop?”

“Brutus has some suggestions,” said Gran, wearily dragging a hand through her little white curls. “He feels that kicking Dooley is out of character for Harriet.”

“He’s got a point.”

“He does?”

“Sure, but that’s the whole point: because it’s out of character for Harriet to kick Dooley, it’s going to come as a big surprise and that’s the joke. That’s where the humor is.”

“I don’t know, Gran,” said Harriet. “I really don’t see Harriet kicking anyone, you know. Harriet….” She glanced up at the sky and sighed a wistful sigh. “Harriet is a peace-loving cat. Peace-loving but combative. She’s fun-loving but serious-minded. She’s loving, but tough. That’s how I see her, you see.”