7b2696c981e3d60fa8abbc841c83ccf4

“Rats and mice,” Harriet added.

“They’ll be all the food we’ll have.”

“Apart from the occasional leftovers.”

“No more gourmet food for us, Max. No more delicious kibble. No more wet food pouches. No, the moment that baby arrives, the family will close ranks and they’ll kick us all out—to live on the street like common mongrels!”

“So it’s imperative that we come up with a plan of campaign,” said Harriet.

“First,” said Brutus, like the general that he imagined himself to be, “we need to make sure there really is a baby.”

“Second,” said Harriet, “if there is no baby, we need to make sure there won’t be a baby.”

“What?!” I cried, alarmed by this train of thought.

“Look, this is a matter of life or death, Max,” said Harriet sternly.

“A question of it or us,” said Brutus.

“But you guys!” I said.

“It’s very simple, Max,” said Harriet. “All you need to do is make sure that Odelia takes her pills.”

“What pills?” asked Dooley.

“The anti-baby kind,” Harriet snapped.

“They have anti-baby pills?”

“Of course they do. So you just make sure Odelia keeps taking her pills, and we’re in the clear.”

“And how do you propose I do that?” I asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe you mix them in her corn flakes? Or put them in her coffee?”

“But Harriet!” I said. “I can’t do that!”

“It does sound a little harsh when you put it like that, sexy legs,” Brutus said.

“Yeah, I know,” said Harriet. “I heard myself just now and it does sound harsh.”

“Cruel.”

“But essential for our survival!” Harriet cried.

“Maybe babies are not so bad,” said Dooley.

“Dooley, how can you say that!” Harriet hissed.

“Most people seem to like them. And I’m sure they get good reviews on Yelp.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying, Dooley,” said Brutus, shaking his head.

“Oh, but I do. I’ve seen plenty of documentaries about babies. They’re very nice to look at. Ten little toes, ten little fingers… And that baby fuzz on top of their little heads.”

“Babies are a cat’s natural enemy, Dooley,” said Brutus, “and it’s important we don’t become soft and allow ourselves to be seduced by their innate cuteness.”

“It’s that cuteness that hides their essential dark nature!” said Harriet.

“That cuteness is nature’s way of seducing us to the dark side.”

“But they look like so much fun!” said Dooley.

“Don’t be tempted, Dooley!” said Brutus.

“Yeah, don’t be fooled, Dooley,” said Harriet. “A baby is, for all intents and purposes, the worst thing that can happen to a cat. The absolute worst.”

“Yes, this is war, Dooley. War against a vicious enemy!”

“And what do you do with an enemy, Dooley?” asked Harriet.

“Um… you negotiate a peace treaty?” Dooley suggested.

“No!” Brutus cried. “You attack! No mercy! And that goes for you, too, Max.”

“It does?” I asked.

“Yes. This is the time to show what you’re made of.”

“It is?”

“Absolutely. It’s either us… or it.”

“Okay,” I said, feeling a little queasy all of a sudden.

“If it’s a boy we’ll name it Frank,” said Gran.

“No, let’s name it Jack,” said Scarlett.

“Let’s put a pin in it for the moment,” said Gran, who was in too good a mood to argue with her best friend. “And if it’s a girl? Franky.”

“Or Jacky,” Scarlett suggested. “And of course I’ll be the godmother.”

“Of course,” said Gran good-naturedly.

In fact they were so busy discussing possible names for the baby that they didn’t seem to be paying all that much attention to potential criminals roaming our streets and engaging in all kinds of nefarious activities. But then suddenly a young man came running out of a house and right in front of the car! He was barefoot and only wearing a pair of boxers. The headlights of the Peugeot lit up his features, which were contorted in a look of sheer and utter panic. Maybe he’d seen a baby.

“Stop!” he cried as he waved his hands frantically. “Please, stop!”

And so Gran stopped the car and poked her head out of the window.“What do you think you’re doing, Sonny Jim!” she yelled. “Jumping in front of my car like that.”

“It’s my friend!” the kid cried. “I think he’s dead!”

“What friend? What are you talking about?”

“Todd,” said the kid. “I think he drowned!”

Chapter 19

It was as the kid said: when we hurried out of the car and followed him around the back of the house, we came upon a pool, next to which a body was lying. Immediately Scarlett and Gran started CPR, but it was too late. It was clear that Todd Bond had been dead for some time.

“When did you find him?” asked Gran as Scarlett called the police.

“Just now,” said the kid, who was seated on a pool lounger, hugging himself and rocking backward and forward, clearly in some kind of a state. “I’d gone to bed, and Todd had decided to stay up, saying there was something he needed to do. I woke up to go to the bathroom, and saw that the pool lights were still on—my parents like us to switch them off when we go to bed. And that’s when I saw him. Floating in the pool. I dragged him out, and tried CPR, but it didn’t work!”

“Looks like he was in that pool for a while,” said Gran, studying the dead boy.