Agatha H and the Voice of the Castle

Von Zinzer slammed Tarvek out of the way. The girder smashed down hard enough to crack the stone floor where he’d been standing. Tarvek sighed. “Yeah, okay, I could’ve put that better.”

Mezzasalma screamed at him. “Get it away from the machines, you idiot!”

“Moloch! Don’t just stand there cringing!” Violetta added, “Get Lady Heterodyne ready for the final stage!”

Tarvek was trying to dodge the Muse’s two-pronged attack. “And you!” Violetta shouted at him, “We’re going to need you to help revive her.”

Tarvek spun, dodging a sweep of the bladed hook, which struck a blur of sparks off a pipe. “Oh, sure, no problem. I’ll be right there.”

He grabbed the angel’s weapons and held them at arm’s length as he shouted over his shoulder. “You all are aware that once the revivification process begins, someone else is going to have to do the fighting over here?”

Violetta looked at von Zinzer—

“Forget it,” von Zinzer said flatly.

Tarvek looked back at the enraged clank. “Please. Let us reason together. If you’d just let us finish undisturbed…”

The angel paused. “This miserable excuse for a cognitive engine.” Its metal fist slammed into the side of its own head. “Situational dissidence has exceeded operating parameters.” It straightened up. “Killing you will not solve anything.”

Tarvek let out a sigh of relief. “Good. Then we can—”

The angel continued. “Go to fallback interaction sequence: kill everyone anyway. Masters will sort out remains.”

Again it lashed out with its weapons, but now there was a new purpose to Tarvek’s reactions.

“I was afraid of this,” he told the clank. “It appears that your mental processes have suffered severe deterioration.” He leapt to one side and snatched up a thick pipe. “You may be one of Van Rijn’s masterpieces, and it’s a shame to damage you further, even in self-defense…”

He leapt in and delivered a brutal blow that snapped the clank’s head back and caused it to drop the hook. “But I told you. I won’t let you hurt Agatha.” Another blow and the clank went down on one knee, its internal gyroscopes screaming with effort. “If we’re both lucky, I can take you down quickly, and repair you later.”

The clank looked like it was about to topple, but instead used the momentum to snap the girder around, surprising Tarvek, who had but scant moments to dodge.

Mezzasalma stared in admiration. “He’s doing remarkably well.” He smiled nostalgically. “Nothing like a good Post-Revivification Rush.”

Violetta snorted as she quickly replaced a rack of burnt out tubes. “Otilia is the one that’s doing surprisingly well. The Muses were toys! They weren’t supposed to be heavy-duty fighting clanks. Otilia had some fancy sword flourishes that she would perform to entertain visitors, but she was built for teaching, not bludgeoning people to death!”

The Professor looked at her, impressed. “You sound like you know a lot about the Muses.”

Violetta looked at him from under lowered eyebrows. “If I had a Belgian chocolate mimmoth for every hour I’ve had to listen to Tarvek blather on about those stupid Muses, I’d weigh a thousand kilos.”⁹²

Mezzasalma looked impressed. “Really?”

She nodded. “Oh yeah, I worked it out once.” She was roused by von Zinzer’s shout. “Agatha’s clean! Let’s go!”

Violetta slammed the lid down on the console and saw that all of the lights were green. She called out, “Tarvek! Hurry up! I’m hitting the switch in three…”

Tarvek stared up at the mechanical angel and desperately held up a hand. “Please! Stop! You have to listen to me! You’re a Muse! I—”

“…Two…

The clank threw its head back and laughed at him. “Stupid little king,” it hissed. “I am not one of your pretty Muses.” It drew itself up.

“…One…”

“Even trapped in this miserable shell, I am Castle Heterodyne!”

Mezzasalma paused in shock. His face went pale. “The Castle?” he breathed. Then he jerked back to action. “Hit the switch! Hit it now!”

Violetta hesitated. “But she…it…when he stops fighting, it’ll kill him…”

Mezzasalma’s fist crashed down upon the switch. “Without the Lady beside us, it will kill us all!”

A fresh surge of power ripped through Tarvek and Gil. Tarvek froze in agony and the clank nodded and raised its girder triumphantly.

“And now, little king rat, you are—”

A wild battle cry split the air. “You are SUUUPER LUCKY!” Zeetha shouted cheerfully as she slammed her foot into the back of the angel’s head, sending it crashing to the floor.

Professor Mezzasalma looked like an irate opera patron who had lost his program. “And who the devil is this?”

“Who cares?” Violetta answered as she got to work. “She’s bought us time! Get to your places!”

Von Zinzer paused, and yelled over to Zeetha, “Hey, you! The clank says it’s the Castle! Give it a kick for me!” He then turned back to Gil’s console and involuntarily sucked in his breath in dismay. “Wulfenbach’s readings aren’t looking too good!”