There Won't Be War

Oh, shut up, okay? It doesn’t matter which of you it was, does it? I mean, after he stuck me with that thing he stuck me with his other thing so I died anyway. Anyway, you probably all got off on it.

BACHELOR NUMBER TWO:

(Also indignant.) Hey, lady, that’s a load of crap. We never done nothing like that.

JANE:

What, never?

BACHELOR NUMBER TWO:

You bet your pretty little bottom, never. General Mark Clark would’ve crucified us. Anyway, the Eye-tie broads was giving it away.

JANE:

For a can of Spam, you mean?

(She looks at him thoughtfully, then grins and turns to the wings. She pulls an army cot out onto the stage and sits on the edge of it. She pats the cot.)

So what do you think, GI Joe? Remember, I don’t want your Spam and I’m not interested in you. But you’ve got your gun. I couldn’t stop you, could I?

BACHELOR NUMBER TWO: (Dangerously.) What’re you trying to prove, lady?

JANE:

What do you think? A heroic fighting man has a right to a little R&R, hasn’t he? If you mean to sin, why wait to begin? I can’t stop you. Anyway, if you’ve killed my kids and blown up my house, what’s a little gang-bang?

BACHELOR NUMBER TWO:

You’re really asking for it! (He starts toward her, grimly horny. Then he stops in consternation, feels his groin, shakes his head. He looks at her angrily.)

Hell, lady, you really take the starch out of a fellow.

JANE:

(Sympathetically.) Testosterone running a little low? I guess you haven’t killed anybody lately, that it?

All eight of the bachelors are muttering as Jane pushes the cot back into the wings.

BACHELOR NUMBER TWO:

You make us sound like a bunch of animals! We were soldiers. I got a Silver Star. If I’d been an officer I bet it would Ye been the Medal of Honor!

BACHELOR NUMBER SEVEN:

The Emperor himself shook my hand!

BACHELOR NUMBER FIVE:

It was the shells we carried that made our comrades in the South able to throw off the imperialist yoke!

BACHELOR NUMBER FOUR:

Even when we were starving, we fought!

BACHELOR NUMBER FIVE:

We done what dey tole us to do, ma’am. We was supposed to break right through to Richmond, an’ we dang near done it, too. We would’ve, iffen de generals hadda got some more troops into de Crater ‘fore we was all kilt ourselfs.

JANE:

Oh, gosh, nobody said you weren’t all brave. I mean, not counting if you pooped your pants sometimes, right? But you went right on and did the job you were supposed to do. The thing is, what were you so brave about!

BACHELOR NUMBER ONE:

It was the Huns, miss. They was doin’ awful fings in Belgium.

BACHELOR NUMBER SEVEN: For the Emperor!

BACHELOR NUMBER THREE:

Dey whupped us, ma’am, when we was slaves. Freedom! An’ we kilt dem back.

BACHELOR NUMBER EIGHT: For the Aryan race!

BACHELOR NUMBER FOUR:

For the Soviet motherland!

JANE:

(As the bachelors are all speaking at once.) Boys, boys! Let’s kind of hold it down, okay?

(She looks at Bachelor Number Six.) What about you, Ensign? Don’t you have anything to say?

BACHELOR NUMBER SIX:

(Grinning.)

Seems to me you’re doing all the talking, hon. Me, I’m just a fly-boy. Drop a couple five-hundred pounders, shoot up a column of trucks, back on the ship for a malted milk and the night movie—except for that damn MIG. I bet it was a Russky pilot that got me. No damn slopey could’ve flown like that.

I know what you’re saying, though. I was always glad I was a carrier pilot. We didn’t get into that real lousy stuff they did on the ground. So don’t talk to me about rape and looting and all that—I wasn’t anywhere near it. I was in the air, and we had a nice clean war.

JANE:

Do you suppose they felt the same way in the Enola Gay?

BACHELOR NUMBER SIX:

Now, wait a minute, honey! You've got the wrong guy here. I never dropped any atomic bombs!

JANE:

They didn’t give you any atomic bombs to drop, did they?

BACHELOR NUMBER SIX:

Damn right they didn’t, and you know why? Because the U. S. of A. decided not to use the Bomb then! We could’ve, easily enough! We had ’em! Plenty of them. Only we held them back for humanitarian reasons.

JANE:

And maybe also, a little, because they were scared that the Russians had them too?

(Bachelor Number Six shrugs and looks away, losing interest.)